Sister of an Addict

I contacted Families Out Loud at 3am on one of them nights where I simply didn’t know where to turn, my head was scrambled my heart was heavy I hated my life. I would dread each day waiting for the next drama to unfold!

My brother is an addict has been for 20+ years, a glorified addict you might say, with his family hanging on in desperation that one day he might get well and see that there is life beyond this deep rooted merry go round of chasing the feeling of constant escapism.

I reached out as I hurt more than ever. I was broken hearted for the brother/son/husband and dad that he could have been all I wanted was to shake him scream and shout for every time I had hoped and wished this was it this was the time he was going to get well! and the endless arguments between our family which has broken us all. Through his deceitful masterful manipulation he would pull us all back in broken promises, sob story’s the constant chaotic cooked up story’s all to get his way and to get his fix.

I have sat many days nights for years and years and put myself in some very dangerous and stupid situations trying to help or rescue him. “if I just get him home I can at least sleep for a while” before the next drama tomorrow no doubt.

I have backed him, lied for him begged for him to stop, cried and cried for him and as the years have gone by, I have hated him for stealing for lying for choosing drink and drugs before himself or us for leaving us, his daughter without a dad for putting his parents/grandparents/wife in situations/ predicaments no mother/father/sister or wife should ever face! for living in fear who will come for us will it be the police? Will he be the drug dealer he owes? Or the dreaded final call that he has died. I can’t tell you how many times I have played that out in my head or the times going on the hunt for him missing again preparing myself for the worst and each time and as these times become more frequent, I felt guilty for feeling almost disappointed that he was ok and it’s not over.

My brother lives and most don’t. He has been carried, enabled and given more than he deserves. I feel sorry so sorry that this is his life despite multiple rehabs and a loving family every chance sadly we don’t cut that feeling of escapism. I feel sad that this is his reality and watching him destroy himself is hard to take, it’s not personal I know that now, it’s addiction, it’s a very dark disease.

I came to the realisation that my life is worthy of more than this and I was abandoning myself entirely for others for things that were completely out of my control. I fully accept that now and as much as I wish and pray by miracle one day I might get my brother back and he will see that there is life beyond this if HE wanted it! I don’t and I will not feel guilt for what happens next.

After speaking with B she gave me a voice or one that I had already, that I had never heard out loud! I heard myself. She gave me strength and asked me what about you in all of this? Will you still be doing this in 5 or even 10 years.  She provided me with the tools to gain strength, to listen to my words and truly believe them, to understand that I have sacrificed myself in the midst of all this and I have a life too and quite frankly to put myself first. I learnt that I can’t change him and I can’t change the way my family feel or think but I can hear myself, feel and be unapologetic for living my life my way. Most importantly I have and am removing myself from things that have a negative impact on me, my thoughts and my days ahead and I am beginning to understanding not everything needs an explanation nor does it mean because I don’t involve myself that I don’t care or don’t love my family. I do and always will. I am learning to live without guilt of being absent sometimes and accepting of my feelings are valid too I am here always and building better relationships in my family in a way that serves me best and protects me and my health and going forward.

I welcome my next sessions and can’t thank this charity enough for allowing me their time and lending me a kind ear and promoting some very very powerful advice that is helping me so much.

Thank you so so much. I can’t recommend this enough if you are struggling. It’s completely non judgemental and at your pace, a safe space to just be you.

Sister, Wiltshire