From Darkness to Light: Hannah's First Year of Sobriety

Trigger warning: abuse, addiction, alcoholism

I’m Hannah, and I’m an alcoholic/addict. And my recovery date is December 6th 2023.

Acceptance was the beginning of my recovery. For so long I lived in denial, I didn’t want to admit I was an alcoholic/addict. How could I be? It wasn’t until I accepted I was an alcoholic/addict that I received help. I had previously tried to get help for my addictions through referring myself to my GP surgery and a local drugs and alcoholic community support service, but I wasn’t ready. I wasn’t interested in stopping because I very much thought I wasn’t an addict.

After a stay in hospital in September 2023, I came to accept myself as an alcoholic/addict who needed help otherwise I likely wouldn’t see my 30th birthday. Towards the end of my drinking career, I would be drinking while crying because I didn’t want to drink, and I didn’t understand why I couldn’t stop. I was on my hands and knees begging for help. I was ready. I was ready to stop drinking and using against my will. I was ready to cooperate with any help given to me.

Wednesday December 6th 2023, I walked through the doors of Hygrove rehabilitation centre in Gloucester. And this was the first day of the rest of my life. I completed a detox with the help of the medical team at Hygrove. I was an inpatient with approximately 20 other people. We had very full, intensive days, where we would start the day off with morning mindfulness/meditation. After that we did a group therapy exercise where we would discuss what was on our minds. We did many group work sessions where we learned about the biology of addiction, which helped me to understand myself and how I became an addict, and sessions where we would explore our fears and feelings. What benefitted me the most about these sessions, was that we were made to sit and feel our emotions. Emotions I had suppressed for so long with drugs and alcohol. I hadn’t given myself a chance to heal from my past trauma or to deal with my emotions, due to the fact I drank nearly every day, so I didn’t have to deal with them. And it was hard to begin with, dealing with emotions and feelings I didn’t even realise I had. The staff at Hygrove helped me to understand myself again and helped me to learn the tools I needed, to be able to deal with life. For the first time in a very long time, I began to feel at peace with myself.

Also at Hygrove, we went to many AA/CA/NA meetings in the local area, which helped me to understand how meetings worked, and also I met so many supportive people also in recovery. Hygrove also gave me structure. My sleep pattern was all over the place, I would pass out through the day from drinking and be awake all night. I didn’t have a reason to wake up in the morning, I couldn’t hold down a job due to my alcoholism, so I had no structure to my days. Eat, drink, sleep and repeat. Hygrove helped me to get my life in order, I was sleeping at the correct times, eating three healthy meals a day and I was socialising. I was socialising and talking to people who understood me! The comfort I got from talking to people who have been through what I was going through and are going through, was beyond words. I felt like I was home.

During my time in Hygrove, we did our step ones. “We admitted we were powerless over drugs and alcohol-that our lives had become unmanageable”. I wrote my step one, and wrote about very low points in my life and admitted I was powerless over my addiction. I then read my step one out to my peers (people in Hygrove the same time as me) and a couple staff members. This was the first time I said out loud some of the terrible things I had done and how bad things got while I was in active addiction. This exercise was very powerful and I will never forget the feeling of unloading my troubles and leaving them behind in the room where I read my step one out. I had lifted so much weight and guilt off my shoulders.

I left Hygrove Wednesday 3rd January 2024, and it felt strange to say the least! I got home and it was quiet. I was used to being in a busy environment with lots of people around. Home felt strange. Going to the shop on my own for the first time felt illegal! While in Hygrove, I made an aftercare plan, which included coping mechanisms I could use, people I could call if I felt I needed some support and a list of meetings I could go to. Another thing about Hygrove that has helped me a lot, is they offer an aftercare program. The aftercare team at Hygrove rang me once a week, to check in with how I was and how I am adjusting back to “normal” life. They also run aftercare group meetings throughout the week, which I attend every Monday and Thursday and have done since I left.

Going to rehab most importantly, gave me the kick start I needed. I had a month sobriety behind me, I had learnt a lot of tools, I had recognised my triggers, I had started to deal with emotions and understand them and I had began to heal myself. Hygrove also gave me a fantastic support network. I had made many relationships with my peers, I had phone numbers and I had regular meetings with the aftercare team.

I started attending my local AA/CA/NA in Wiltshire once I was home, and I was welcomed back with open arms. I tried going to meetings the year previous but I wasn’t ready. Therefore, I already knew a few people and they were all happy to see me back.

I owe Hygrove my eternal gratitude.

I’m Hannah, and I’m an alcoholic/addict. And my sobriety date is December 6th 2023.

Thank you

We sincerely thank you, Hannah, for sharing your story with us. We wish you all the best as you continue your journey with sobriety. If you’re reading this and would like to share your story too, get in touch with our marketing coordinator Anyo – anyo.green@familiesoutloud.org. If you would like support with someone else’s drug or alcohol use, get help.