I now know that I was not to blame

In the Families Out Loud summer newsletter a mum from Chippenham wrote movingly about her son’s addiction. My son was also still at school when I discovered he was taking drugs and drinking to excess. He assured me he was fine – “recreational” drugs taken occasionally and drinking with friends at weekends was normal. He was in control. However, what I didn’t know then, was that he was already attending a young person’s therapy group, which belied his assurance that his behaviour was acceptable. My immediate response was to question my actions. Had I said or done anything while he was growing up which might have triggered his compulsion to experiment with alcohol and drugs? Through group sessions at Families Out Loud I now know that I was not to blame. My son, himself, has said many times over the years that he takes full responsibility for his behaviour and has never failed to voice his appreciation for his family’s unwavering support.

In spite of his problems he did well at school and, aged nineteen, secured a place at university. Naively, I thought he would have little time for drugs and alcohol while studying. How wrong I was! The student culture fuelled his addiction and it was apparent, on the rare occasions he came home, that he was struggling both physically and mentally.

Amazingly, after four years he was awarded a degree. He returned home and for the next ten years worked for a local company. He met a lovely girl, who made him happy, and eventually they bought a house together. For a while life was good and their future looked rosy, but this was not to last. As pressure at work mounted his addiction spiralled out of control and he lost his job. He ended his relationship and was admitted to rehab for the next six months. He embraced the treatment whilst in the safety of the Centre, but within a week of his discharge he was again drinking excessively and taking drugs. Now it was not unusual for him to be rushed regularly to A&E. Countless times he has had to be resuscitated, either by paramedics at home, or in hospital, when urgent medical intervention was required. He was warned that his addiction would kill him within months. He appeared to heed the warning and by attending daily AA and NA meetings and working alongside a sponsor, he brought his addiction under control for short periods but failed to sustain his recovery for long.

A turning point came when he had to face up to the early deaths, through addiction, of several “friends”. He intensified his efforts to be sober and clean, and three years ago secured the job he loves, is still doing from home, and is good at. The months until lockdown were calm. He seemed content, healthy and had finally rediscovered his quick wit and quirky sense of humour.

Sadly, in recent months he has had two serious relapses and is once again trying to get himself back on track. Despite all the misery and chaos my son has inflicted on my life, I have huge respect for his tenacity.

I am now elderly, and this journey has put enormous strain on my family for nearly 25 years. Often the worry and despair have almost overwhelmed me. My one wish is that my son can eventually beat this devastating addiction, but I accept this may never happen. I continue to love and support him whilst reminding myself that his choices are his own and I am powerless to influence his decisions. I am so grateful to Families Out Loud for their continuing unbiased advice and understanding.

Mum Wiltshire