How I found FOL

Walking through Morrison’s and as normal, I had a browse at the Notice Board and there I saw the Families Out Loud insert. It struck me straight away, this was a local charity offering help and support and I resonated with every word.

I made contact, and so glad I did because its been a life saver! I was put in touch with a Counsellor, and my story begun ….

My two sons from my second marriage have been through some traumatic ordeals due to the abusive marriage to their Father . I tried numerous times to leave that marriage with both my sons but it took several attempts until I finally got the release, but with one son, as the other (younger) had to reside with his Father (that was my ‘Get out Clause’). I wasn’t happy about splitting the boys but I had to save myself and my younger son had a good relationship with his Dad and was willing for the arrangements and at an age where he understood. I was also desperate for my sons to see the ‘real me’. I had lived under a dark cloud for so long, doing my best for the boys and ensuring some happiness. I had been isolated from friends and family and nearly gave up my Profession ‘for him’ but thankfully that didn’t materialise and it enabled me to financially support my family and I enjoy my work.

Life moved on, ups and downs , challenges and everything else. My boys were proving difficult at times, especially the eldest . There were issues at School, regular phone calls to me explaining his disruptive behaviour. I guessed it was upsetting circumstances and he was expressing himself away from the home and being misunderstood.

At fourteen years the smoking started , progressed to weed. I was naive regarding drugs and usage and was constantly being told, it was usual practise for teenagers ‘these days’. He was angry and defensive with his whereabouts and I was constantly smelling weed in the house which I objected too. I was working round the clock to keep the house and pay for everything as a single parent. I was there for my sons though and continued to do everything I could . My younger son had become quite introverted and it was often difficult to see him, mostly due to his Father being obstructive too. His Dad changed his School and though not far away , just the local next Town, it meant less contact sadly.

My older son progressed through School and College , had a baby with his teenage girlfriend , had left home at a young age to live with girlfriend and their baby and he continued College and did very well for a year. They broke up . He advanced to University in London . Not happy at leaving his daughter or the break up . On reflection , this is when the real hard drugs started and his addictions. I was in denial initially. I used to visit him in London and he looked gaunt and unhealthy . He was always ‘sniffing’, telling me he had hayfever (middle of Winter)!  I had set a budget to help with food for him weekly but the constant requests for money was getting ridiculous and unaffordable. He zoomed off on holiday to Thailand using money he should have paid for Halls at the time. He was in serious trouble of being taken to court etc….but I stepped in and paid! He wasn’t going to Lectures, he slept in most of the time. He did have a job at a Pub but money wasn’t being spent wisely. The constant pull on my purse strings was getting worse. I discussed with my elder daughter as she believed he was on drugs but I continued to not accept it (daughter from previous relationship). Family were getting upset about the amount of overtime I was doing to keep elder son at University.

Elder son transferred to Bristol University to be nearer daughter. ‘Enlightment’! The state of my son, his behaviour, his moods, his constant request for money at last I realised what was going on! His degree ‘took forever’ with ongoing extensions. Still I wanted my son to succeed! Kept giving the money! Arguments proceeded with other family, the excuses I’d give etc.

The day came when I approached my son about his lifestyle. He confessed. I had gone through my finances and staggeringly had got through ten thousand pounds! Some of this savings, some overtime money, working more and more to supply the money to supply him with drugs. I enabled him!

It was a breakthrough for me but distressing. I didn’t want to believe it. I felt ashamed, embarrassed, stupid, terrible Mother, all my fault. Hit depression, I shunned family, not wanting to tell my parents (They never had an interest in the boys anyway). I wouldn’t talk to friends. They never had this sort of thing in their lives and would look down on me.

Not long after my son came out as ‘Gay’, which was something I was waiting to hear as I knew all along. He masked his sexuality by taking the drugs his poor relationship with his Father, the abuse he witnessed. Who knows, but HE chose this lifestyle and I was VERY VERY angry with him … but still loved him as he is such a lovely soul destroying himself with drugs.

He had to make the changes himself and he did seek help in the Town where he lives which was a life changer for him. Its been gradual and work in progress because there has been relapses, challenges with alcohol and relationships. He graduated, holds a good job, enjoys being a Dad to his daughter, is very responsible with her. ……But I go from day to day and enjoy his progress but never feel totally secure as drugs are all around and he has to stay very strong and consistent. He’s an Adult in charge of his own life.

Finding FOL helped me come to terms with the events. The Counsellor, B, acknowledged me as a person I thought I was. Listened, empathised. Was calm and gave me reassurance that it ‘wasn’t my fault’. I could laugh again, feel normal. I had gone to previous counselling sessions but just couldn’t express myself completely. It felt like a horrid secret that I couldn’t discuss. Felt I had failed as a Mother, Person and Professional. I too had thought ‘these things don’t happen to people like me’. Feel ashamed to think that now because as research says, there is no ‘obvious family ‘ that experiences the effects of drug addictions.

This is a summarised version of the years before and where I am now but it would take a Book!

My younger son sadly became addicted to smoking, then weed and had a Psychotic breakdown at seventeen and was unable to pursue his dreams of going to University. He remains challenging with other addictions and he had a late diagnosis of Autism (suspected as a child). He lives alone in a flat but nearby. I continue with ongoing support from FOL.

I didn’t plan my life this way, I didn’t want two marriages to breakdown. But some paths become difficult to follow. I was constantly hearing the blame being because of my life choices.

Nobody should judge.

Nobody should blame …..

Thanks FOL, I’m here because of you and my Counsellor who LISTENED :)

Mum, Trowbridge