Story from a Mum in Wiltshire

Today I found a email I had written April 2019 to my sister. I had been nursing my Mum after a fall. However the main content of the email was me detailing how my son (then Aged 28) was damaging my Mental Health, Finances and Relationships

How I was about to buy him a van in my name, so bailiffs could not take it away from him. I had found out he had huge debts. And was making the painful decision not to engage with my son anymore

So why I ask myself did it take four more years for me to actually implement the decision to stop engaging in the chaotic madness and turmoil created by my Son’s choice of lifestyle.

To stop enabling him. To stop the stress and torment. The answer is as his Mum I wanted to “help him”. If I cleared debts he would change ! make a fresh start.

Notice I have not mentioned addiction, in hindsight it stared me in the face, but I denied the obvious. He never told me about his cocaine addiction for years.

Master of manipulation, blame throwing always someone else’s fault. Mental health issues he refused to address, Paranoia so bad it was frightening. His partner, me and my partner endured it all. 

His relationship started to crumble, the thought of loosing his daughter devastated him. Mum help me he pleaded – I paid for rehabilitation hopeful that professional help would be the answer. My son came out after 28 Days. He was determined to change. But he refused the ongoing support which was vital and relapsed two months later.

His Relationship ends, he moves 200 miles away from his daughter,  back in with me and his step-dad. He stays clear of drugs for five months, due to having no money – by now I knew all about enabling. Glimmer’s of my beautiful boy start to return.

He talks about making positive changes to his lifestyle, a flicker of hope burns inside me.

He secures a job, says he likes having routine, he asks me to have his bank cards so he’s not tempted, he wants to save a deposit for his own place.

The banks cards were never forthcoming, I knew his pay day was approaching, I broached the subject of bank cards and was told in no uncertain terms to back off.

My nerves are in shreds I had pinned such hope on him changing.

Sadly he returns to Cocaine. Back to blame throwing, Paranoia and abusing me and my very frail husband. And so, grief stricken I ask him to leave, block his number, refuse to see him.

I feel so low the hopelessness is overwhelming. I just don’t know who to turn too, there is such a stigma around addiction. Can’t cope with the shame of telling Friends and extended family

Are we the only Family suffering this anguish ?

By chance I search the internet and a lifeline appears ……..Families Out Loud

We are not the only ones, other’s families are suffering in silence.

I make contact and arrange counselling. Its hard to convey the enormous sense of empowerment I get from being able to talk to my counsellor.

Now ….… I feel a deep sense of relief. I am not living life on a knife edge, not embroiled in my sons turmoil. My son has choices. I do not underestimate the power of addiction. He has a knowledge of the support groups and tools needed to fight this battle. I cannot fight it for him.

Our relationship has been badly damaged by his addiction. I love him dearly but for now I need space and time to heal. With the support of Families Out Loud counselling and support group. I am living a far happier life.

Mum, Wiltshire